I came across this profile of Mzinga, Inc. in a Business Week article on companies that “get” social media. I promised in my post, Quick Five Step Guide to Revising and Editing, that I would take a deeper look at this example of jargonese in a future post. Here are the first few sentences of the company profile on Business Week Online:
Mzinga, Inc. provides online business social media and workforce solutions that enable businesses to harness collective intelligence of employees, customers, partners, and shareholders. The company offers hosted and software-as-a-service solutions for informal communication, knowledge sharing, employee training and development, and community members’ interaction. Its business social media and learning solutions enable marketing and customer service professionals to engage and interact with prospects and customers; and workforce communities and learning solutions empower human resources and corporate learning professionals to enhance enterprise-wide communication and collaboration.
Were you able to get all the way through this paragraph before giving up? Is there a message? It reads like it is written in a code reserved for the in-the-know few that speak this strange language. I think it’s awful, one of the worst examples of “corporate-speak” I’ve seen in a while. Ten years ago, I might have written like this, thinking it sounded intelligent and sophisticated. I would have been wrong.
What is wrong with this paragraph?
• It doesn’t SAY anything.
• It’s packed with jargon, buzz words and “power” words.
• The sentence structures are confusing and sentences are too long.
• It completely fails to connect with the reader.
• It uses my two most-hated words in business writing: enable and enhance.
• It fails to tell me what the BENEFITS of doing business with Mzinga are.
Here is my re-write:
Mzinga, Inc. connects businesses to their customers, employees, and partners. Their scalable platform of social media tools helps clients retain customers and build new relationships. Mzinga clients reduce learning and development costs and speed up training with e-learning support services.
I’ve covered basically the same ground, but my version is readable, talks directly to the reader and explains the benefits of Mzinga’s services. Don’t assume that a reader will make the jump from enabling and enhancing to understanding how the company will help their business. While the published profile is not a marketing piece, it should clearly explain why companies do business with Mzinga.
The sentences have long lists of features (not benefits) that are passive and without action. The last sentence is five lines long. Are they grammatically correct? Yes, but so what? Are they lifeless and inaccessible? Absolutely. One sentence even states that they “empower human resources and corporate learning professionals to enhance…” Empower to enhance? Good grief, could that be more circuitous or pretentious? “Corporate learning professionals” are trainers, just like “sanitation engineers” are janitors.
The purpose of the business writer is clear communication, not “importification” (Bushism courtesy of @killaguhrilla on Twitter).
• Eradicate jargon and buzz words
• Talk about concrete benefits
• Shorten sentences
• Use active verbs
• Get to the point
Got it? Good.
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Does that all mean perhaps they have a Facebook page and let their employees go there? How would Obama say it? That’s my new chant. How would Obama say it?
Oh, I forgot to say – good blog!
Thanks, Carolyn. I hope you’ll be a regular visitor. Have you read Obama’s two books? He is an excellent writer.
Great article!
This is something I’m constantly preaching about at the company where I do my in-house work—especially for the web. Some writers don’t understand that what works in a newspaper editorial won’t necessarily work for web copy when you’re trying to sell a product.
You know what’s funny? I COMPLETELY skipped that first paragraph that you were making an example of. I saw that it had lots of marketing-like jargon in it and automatically shut off my brain.
I think I’m trained at this point to filter out copy like that.
I also want to mention that this is something I tried to take into account when I wrote the copy for my own online business. I tried to keep it brief and get to the point.
If you get a chance, have a look and tell me what you think about the copy on the homepage and the about us section. Thanks!
Brian,
How perfect that you “zoned out” when you saw the bloated buzz word copy. I can only hope that an intern, and not a paid staff writer, cooked that up. Since Mzinga’s site copy is nothing like that, I feel pretty confident that they didn’t write it. I think everyone’s eyes glaze over at that kind of writing.
I think the copy on your site is great. It’s short, sweet, and to the point. Just how I like it! It has personality, but isn’t over done. You also focus on your customer, especially on the About Us page, which is what so many web copy writers forget to do.
I’m looking forward to following your blog and your company.
Mary Ellen